InuYasha Dies and Sesshomaru Regrets
by smileyjill2002
Summary: Does Sesshomaru really want his brother to die? He says he does, but how would he react if InuYasha was dead?


"Oh no, InuYasha, please no! Why did it have to come to this? Why did I let Toukijin break Tetsusaiga in the first place?" I cry out to him, while holding him on my lap against my left. Blood gushes out of his gaping wound where InuYasha's own claws slashed him in the struggle. Fire, raging in his demonic eyes, flickers to that of a small flame. Slowly his eyes close as his soul trickles out with the blood. Though I hold him with all my might, I can't prevent InuYasha's heart from stopping cold, as I feel his body flop like a rag doll; his arm dangles onto the grassy ground of the forest.

"Sesshomaru, was this what you wanted?" asks a sinister voice, whispering out of Toukijin's broken blade.

I ignore the voice and reach for the Tensaiga.

"But why when you've wanted this all along? You wanted him to die, so what's your problem now that he is dead? You ought to be happy. Let's rejoice in his passing."

"Just shut-up, Toukijin!" I scream at the sword, as tears stream down my face. I remove the Tensaiga from its sheath. "Please spare him, Tensaiga. Don't fail me," I pray as I glimpse at the spirit undertakers gathering around us. I slash the sword through their bodies and as always they vanish into nothing. I look into my brother's face, as I try to snuffle back tears from my own. "Please wake up, InuYasha. I beg of you, please. Say that you hate me, yell at me, seek your revenge against me, anything please. I don't deserve to be trusted anymore. I don't deserve to be called your brother after this. Just please wake up."

I watch with tearful eyes as his face contorts and his eyes slowly open. "Wh-hut just happened?" he asks in a dazed voice. He gazes up at me with droopy eyes, as though he had just been sleeping, "Was it a dream…or?" Suddenly his eyes pop open and he stares at me with a startled face. "Hey, Sesshomaru, what did you do to me? Why am I laying like this? Did you…"

"It was Toukijin that broke Tetsusaiga and caused you to turn demon. When our swords clashed, Toukijin pulsed and leapt forward. I tried to grasp the handle. You called the windscar onto me and my sword countered the attack with the dragonblade and sent it back on you. When I tried to retrieve it, trying to hold back as always, it wouldn't cooperate. When we clashed again for the last time, the blade resonated against yours with such force that it broke the Tetsusaiga's blade."

"Oh shut up. You've always wanted me dead. You've said that, don't you dare deny that. You were the one that have Kaijinbo forge that retched sword from Goshinki's fangs. You wanted to get rid of me with that sword. We fought tonight because you came after me wanting a challenge."

"That's all I wanted. Through the times I said I wanted to fight and kill you, it was to get you to fight me. In all this time, I had the chance if I wanted to finish you off for good. I never did. I've always wanted to test your abilities against my own. I wanted to see if you were the true wielder of that sword from Father, see that you deserved such a fine weapon as that."

"You're lying. You tricked me, you wanted me dead, admit it. Why are you feeding me this rubbish now? I know you hate me, you always have. Why all of a sudden this change of heart? What are you after? Did you want the damn sword so bad that you'd kill me to get it?"

"Back when we were are Father's grave, I wanted to kill you for it. I wanted it so badly because it came from his fang. This time I came after it, it wasn't for me. I wanted it to protect the ones I cherish."

"Of course. You'd do anything to protect Rin and that baby son of yours. Just like I need it to protect Kagome and InuYuzu. But why break it and kill me?"

"That wasn't my intention. It was Goshinki who wanted you dead. He wanted revenge for you killing him. I thought I could control him by using him as Toukijin. But I was deceived."

"You know Goshinki was borne from Naraku, and you used the blade made from him against me. So where is Toukijin? I want to destroy this evil sword." InuYasha stands up on his knees, trying to find the sword.

"It's right behind me on the ground. When I saw Tetsusaiga broken into pieces and you struggling to suppress your full demonic nature, I hastily smashed the blade with what remained of Father's sword. Then I ran to you and grabbed you, trying my best to calm you down. Without Kagome here, all I could do was hold you in my arm as tightly as I could. You were growling violently, clawing at me. You tore at your own skin, tearing open your side. You flung the blood at me, trying to rip me up, but I knew it would be to know use. I just watched, trying to hold onto you until you stopped on your own. But by the time you did, it was too late. Slowly you faded away from me. Then you were gone." I bite my lip, trying to keep my emotions at bay.

I sigh heavy, trying to disguise the deep pain aching from my heart. "When you were dead I realized that what I thought was true was a lie. I thought all along if you were someone to hate or steal from. I was so sure I wanted you dead, that things would be better without you. But then even for that moment, while you were dying, I felt like my heart collapsing. I saw that nothing would be the same. I knew I'd miss all the fights we were in. All the moments that we battled each other, you seemed the happiest. I've seen you smile during a few fights even, like you were having fun. I didn't want to end the fun. I asked what was my purpose to see you dead. Why did I want that? Is this what I really wanted? What was my purpose to kill you, InuYasha? Was it because you were a hanyou? That can't be because my son, Sesshaku, is a hanyou, too, and I love him and his human mother, Rin. Was it for the Tetsusaiga? Toukijin broke it in the battle and I can't wield it anyways because it won't allow me to. Was it because you destroyed Naraku instead of me? If it was that and I was jealous of your glory, then I would be no different than him. InuYasha, I don't why it had come to this. What was the point of me killing you? I'd be left alone with only my wife and my son as my only family. I wouldn't be able to look Kagome in the face, knowing I have taken her husband's life, nor InuYuzu's knowing I left her fatherless. I'm sorry I did this to you, brother. If I revived you with Tensaiga, would you ever forgive my foolishness? You're my only brother, one I remember from when you were just a baby. I remember watching you from a far. You were so cute and sweet. When you were thirteen…"

"I remember that time. That's when we weren't fighting. That was when my mother was dying. I felt so alone, so afraid, like I would have nobody to turn to, or look up to. I watched her helplessly as her illness slowly took her away from me. But then I felt your arms surround me. You stood beside me, holding my hand, telling me things would be okay. Then when she died, you knelt beside me and held me tight."

"You buried face into my kimono trying to muffle your tears. At her funeral, I remember you cried as hard as you could while watching her body burning to ashes. That's what I saw tonight. Over these recent years, I didn't hate you anymore. I still think you're annoying, but I don't want to kill you, not anymore."

"Sesshoma… I've never heard you say that before. Is it true? That what you're saying is…no it has to be a lie. There is just no way this is true."

"Have I ever lied to you, brother? Yes, I have done terrible things to hurt you, say things to make you mad, but have I ever lied? It's not a trick, nor is it a lie. I understand if you don't believe me. I wouldn't believe myself either. But I just can't help saying it. I feel compelled to. I feel ashamed for my actions, but not for my feelings. I don't know what to do? Is this how you felt when your mother died? Did you feel lost and lonely? Did you feel like you wanted to cry, but were too scared you wouldn't be taken seriously? Did you feel like you lost someone most important to you? I don't know what I'd do if I never saw you again. You're important to me. Deep down, I've always felt connected to you. I couldn't care if you were hanyou. You're the only brother I have." I cover my face with my hand. I look at him, trying to sniff back tears. "I'm blaming the sword, but I was the one that wielded it against you tonight. Go ahead and hate me for this deed. I don't deserve forgiveness. I just don't know what I'd do without you. I love you, baby brother. For the first time in my life, I love you. I don't want you to die. I'm so s…s…"

"The memories of the moment when your mother died rushed forward when I lost you. Your death made me feel empty and confused. I didn't want to lose you. I foresaw your body lying on that funeral fire. Seeing Kagome mourning the loss of her dear husband and InuYuzu's father, tears me up even now. How could I show my face knowing it was my shameful hands that destroyed him? Why did I kill you when I couldn't live without you? I just c…c…an…t…" I shield my face away from his eyes, trying to suppress my tears. He reaches his hand to my face. I jerk away and cover my eyes with my hand. "Please don't look at me, you mustn't see me this way."

"Sesshomaru, please, why do you have to put up a front like this? I understand now, this is no lie. It can't be. There is no lie when your heart is breaking. I feel it within my own. I know I've had mine broken both by mom's death and by Kikyo's. I can feel yours almost shattering. I've felt that in you before. It was when Sara was taken over by demons and you used Tetsusaiga to kill the demons and free her, I saw just for an instance a quiet tear rolling down your cheek when she vanished into a cloud of dust. I remember not too long ago, just a few weeks after InuYuzu was born we heard the news from Jaken that Rin was in labor. Aun carried all four of us on his back. As soon as we arrived, the baby had been born. Kagome was elated that she saw your son for the first time. She introduced our daughter to him. Rin told her that you cried when you saw him and felt the same way Father must have felt when I was born."

"I just didn't want InuYuzu to suffer the same fate as you. To be the demon that took her daddy away, I'd be no better than Ryukotsei. For that moment you died in my arm and on my knee, I was that demon. Why would I think to do something that cruel? Is it true, that I'm no better than Naraku? It has to be that. I'm no different. I'm just like him."

He embraces me in his arms, holding my head next to his shoulder. The both of us remain kneeling on the ground. The shoulder of his crimson kimono presses up against my face. "You're not Naraku," he whispers, "You're just my brother, nothing more." I feel his clawed hand running fingers through the hair on top of my head. "Why are you holding back? Don't hold back, please." Tears trickle down my face. Can't control my tears. My heart feels clinched like a fist. I try to swallow a lump in my throat that won't go away. The slight trickle increases to a deluge of tears. If he had died for good, if I had thrown away Tensaiga for a sword that refuses me, what would I say or do? Please tell me, InuYasha, why did I want to kill you?


End file.
